Changing isn’t easy; heck some days it feels downright impossible! And spending a year to create new patterns in my life brought some unexpected grief and stress. Someone told me, "there is no good or bad stress; your body/brain only knows it as stress and has to deal with it".
In order to make room for the new, this sabbatical has brought, I had to make a lot of adjustments. I had to be willing to face fears, try lots of new things, ignore the critics, walk away from the familiar and be willing to break some unhealthy patterns. Thankfully I’ve been intentional about my Year of Sabbath. I knew God wanted to do some new things in me and for me. I just didn’t expect I would have to completely let go or make major adjustments in, but because I’ve paced myself and given myself to be “present”, I’ve been able to grow through the challenges change has brought me.
I like norms, I always have; in the past, I called my self a mainstay. (Mainstay - a person or thing on which something else is based or depends.) Even in creating change, I would always approach change with great consistency. But this Year of Sabbath or Sabbatical Living brought my life a totally new “right side up” and it’s made me, at times, thoroughly uncomfortable! Ten months of creating and making room for "living my best life" has meant a lot of changing, embracing and challenging myself. It has required quite a bit of new ways of behaving, engaging and adjustment to how and what I think of who I am.
In May, I wanted to end my Year of Sabbath early. I was simply tired of learning, tired of challenging myself, tired of seeing how people can be. I was tired of the fear I was constantly pressing through. April was AMAZING and I thought, “Ok this is good. It can’t get any better than this and I need to walk out all I’ve learned. I’m good now”. Yes, I actually said, “I’m good now” like I was controlling things. As I thought about it for a few days, I realized I was tired and really wanted to settle into a new normal and match my new life with a lot of my old thinking. And I worried that my budget couldn't handle the continuation of my sabbatical plans... But I heard the Holy Spirit, "you've come too far to quit". I prayed and talked to my sweetie and he agreed that I had to keep going. So I prayed about what the last three months of my Year of Sabbath should consist of.
In early June, I spent a lot of time sitting quietly and waiting to hear or see how I should wrap of my Year of Sabbath. It was in that time of reflection I realized just how far I’d come in my ability to navigate my own emotions and fears. I was no longer a worrier, I didn’t have that nagging feeling that the bottom was going to fall out of everything and I was peacefully sleeping through the night. And a memory from my 20’s came to me one morning and I knew it was a gift to help me remember how long I’ve been a resilient woman (I’ll write about this in another blog).
I loved looking back over my trips and seeing how much I’d grown in making travel plans and packing. The ease helped me see just how far I’d come. I use to have major travel anxiety, even purchasing a flight made me worry and now I was booking flights and making overnight arrangements as easy as I scheduled my weekly work meetings. Speaking of work, the support I received from our CEO was one of the greatest gifts; she has supported my sabbatical living from the time I started in January 2019. When I’ve felt bad for missing a meeting or something, she reassured me that things would be fine and she was right; work is going very well.
As each month passed, something new, challenging and amazing has come to my life or my husband’s: a new trip opportunity, home renovation gone well, meeting new people who are inspired by my sabbatical, getting a new consulting client and so much more. I am very grateful I've not abandoned my Year of Sabbath. For the last two months, I've incorporated a consecration to help me make sure my focus is constantly in the direction of trusting, looking to God and not leaning on my own understanding. Above all, I want to please the Lord and be all I'm meant to be while here on earth. And I'm really thankful for His faithfulness to give me clarity and peace on this wonderful journey.